From: John Jackson Smith 
Subject: Mr. and Mrs. Rob at it again

Read below (if necessary) to see the current argument between the Robs
concerning the number of beers involved in "having a beer," "having a couple
of beers," and Drinking Beer.  They have demanded a verdict but will get a
lesson instead:

Robs, I think that you argue like the Pharisees, over the letter or in this
case number of the law for the simple love of argument, but in doing so
forget the spirit of the law.  When you think of degree of beer consumption,
think of kissing.  (I know that you will initially want to elevate this
analogy to deeper carnal levels, but remember that we're talking about beer,
not booze.)

Some kissing is simply a formality, the yuropeens do it when they meet
(ignore when the guys do it to the guys, that is french and is only
applicable when discussing wine coolers, not beer.)  This is a kind of
friendly handshake, appropriate for the little old lady in church who
insists on it, your mom's friends, your friends' moms, etc.

Another type of kissing means slightly more.  It is a way of showing
completely chaste affection.  This is usually used for grandparents,
parents, close friends of the opposite sex, or in rare occasions could be
used on dudes, for instance: if Billy Evans appeared with a case of beer
late on a Saturday night just as the last of the Sunday beer was being
swallowed.  This type of kiss is not frivolous, it is usually both loving
and meaningful, but still desireless, like a kiss goodnight.

The last is simple, it lasts longer than 5 seconds; it frequently involves
disheveled clothing, either on the person or on the floor.  Much like
"Drinking Beer," it can be an end in itself, but often leads to others.

So now onto beer.  Apply the numbers if and as you wish, keeping in mind
that beer varies in size and potency.

"Having a beer" is something you can do with older colleagues with whom you
are not quite on peer to peer standing.  The number of beers consumed are
about the number you could drink at a relaxed, informal lunch and then go on
with the rest of your day.  You can also "have a beer" while doing many
other activities.  It is more friendly than a cup of coffee or even an
alcohol-free meal but it does not indicate camaraderie.  When done with
friends it usually occurs because there is simply not time for "a couple of
beers."  If you need a number here I would suggest that it is tough, but not
impossible to go over 3-4 without moving to the next stage...

"Having a couple of beers" has a different significance.  The number of
beers consumed is definitely higher but so are the spirits.  You generally
have a couple of beers with your friends, or if with colleagues or
acquaintances they should be considered friends afterward.  If they are not,
they should be branded as wankers.  Activities that are appropriate while
having a couple of beers are slightly less than while "having a beer."
Operating (certain) power tools is discouraged, while joke telling,
reveling, bowling, and other activities--sometimes even singing--may be
encouraged.  Since it is beer, it is still not drinking, but you should be
having a better time while doing it than when you started.  Numbers here
also vary, but really should only be counted when it's necessary to find out
if more beer needs to be obtained.

Drinking beer is quite different.  It may be preceded by having a couple of
beers but cannot be called "the same only more so."  You drink beer with
friends and if someone is not your friend afterward, he is your enemy.  Your
emotions are elevated but may stray in any direction.  Thus, one frequent
activity that accompanies drinking beer is fighting.  You may fight your
demons, your enemies, or if they are the only ones handy, your friends.
Other activities include hitting on women or inanimate objects and slurring
speech.  Much like the passionate kiss, drinking beer shows real desire for
the beer, and a commitment to the beer, perhaps long term or maybe only for
the evening.  The number here should also not be counted, and if it is it
should not be remembered.  While in other cases it is perfectly appropriate
to say that beer does not constitute drinking, "Drinking Beer" is.

I hope this settles your dispute and allows you to move on to another one.

-schmitty